It just came to me when I was getting ready for my Mom's BFF's birthday party, so I recorded it with my voice recorder, and now I am posting. So I hope you enjoy :) It is all inclusive in this one shot :P
TITLE: Reasonable Doubt
AUTHOR: OhBooth (all mistakes are mine)
RATING: R (for language)
CHARACTERS: Sam and Jessica (mentions of Bobby, Ruby, Dean and Mary)
WARNINGS: This has spoilers all the way up until "When the Levee Breaks"
SUMMARY: After Sam leaves Bobby's he gets another hallucination, and it comes in the form of Jessica.
WORD COUNT: 1900
The voice was so quiet, but it resounded in his head and he jerked the wheel of the car. When he managed to return to the lane he was in, he looked over, hoping among hope that he hadn’t heard right, knowing that he did.
There she was, sitting next to him.
“No- I can’t- not you too, I-” Sam stuttered, half in fear and half in diebelief. Why now?
“Relax, Sam. I’m not here to blame you for…that-”
Sam looked at her sideways, avoiding eye contact, not believing that she wasn’t mad about the way she died. If he had been there-
“Sam, stop. Don’t you get it? Don’t you understand? You couldn’t have stopped it, even if you were there. Yes, you may have prevented it from happening then, and it may not have been as symbolic and gruesome if you were there, but it would have happened either way. That demon wasn’t gonna let me stand in the way of his plans for you. It’s how they are, it’s what they all do. They don’t care about humans, Sam. We’re a means to an end, they use us when they need and then destroy us when they’re done. You should think about that.”
Sam looked up, knew what she was hinting at, knew the edges of his brain had thought that over many times. Jess continued to talk to him in a soothing tone, the one he had heard so often from her when she was alive.
“Look, you know I’m not here, that this is all in your head, spinning hallucinations from this poison that you’ve been injecting yourself with. A poison that doesn’t have an antidote, there isn’t a cure for this one Sam. You know what you’re turning into, you know what you’re gonna become if you don’t turn around right now.”
To punctuate her point, the sign on the side of the road signaled he was leaving the county.
“Well, they didn’t give me much of a choice did they? I was locked up like a prisoner.”
“You know that it was the only choice they had. You were beyond conventional methods, there’s no precedent for what you were doing to yourself. You needed to get clean, once and for all, and now? It’s all for nothing if you start again.”
Sam knew these were his thoughts, knew that this wasn’t her telling him this, but his own mind.
“If you’re not here to blame me for your death, then why? Why you? Why now? I’ve heard all this-”
“You know, why it’s me and why it’s now.” Jess smiled at him and he knew he was still human because his heart ached. She reached out and brushed the hair off his forehead.
“In your head, I represent possibility. I know that you can’t go back to the life you had with me. The life that you wanted for yourself then, but if you go down this road, take this path, there won’t be any more options, you’ll be closing every door but one, and that door leads to a place that you never want to go.”
Sam’s grip tightened on the steering wheel and he squeezed his eyes shut for a second, but when he opened them, she was still there. This hurt, he knew why she was here, but just seeing her again was agonizing. Why was he doing this to himself? Had he really fallen so far? Why wouldn’t she just go away?
“I can’t go anywhere until you let me, until you hear yourself out” she said.
“But it’s the right thing to do. She killed Dean…and you’re gone, and Mom-” Sam tried desperately.
“Look, if you’re using us as an excuse, just stop lying to yourself. If you were going after these demons because of what they did to me, and your Mom and Dean, it’s done. Dean shot him in that cemetery, he’s gone. And Lilith? She got the biggest screw you that a demon could ever get. Dean’s back, Sam, she took him to hell, and he was ripped out, away from his contract with her. That’s enough, you can’t let that anger you had when he was gone win. It’s going to kill you.”
“I’m going to die anyway, and she deserves to die before she hurts anyone else,” Sam said swallowing the bitter taste in his mouth that seemed to come out when he even thought about Lilith.
“That may be true, but you can’t do it alone. You and Dean can stop this all, but you have to do it together. Neither one of you is strong enough to bear this burden on your own, even with all the demon blood in the world. Don’t try to do it alone, and don’t let Dean do it alone. You two can only trust each other, that’s how it’s always been.”
“Dean isn’t going to forgi-”
“You won’t know until you go back. He loves you, and he will, but you know in your heart this isn’t about Dean anymore. None of what you are doing right now is for Dean, if it was, he would be here, sitting where I am. At the end of the day you have to make the decision, not for Dean or anyone else, but for yourself. It’s only you, you want to stop, or you wouldn’t have brought me here. So do it Sam, choose to save yourself, because if you don’t do that you won’t be able to save anyone else.”
“This is it, I’m the last part of you that you’re gonna hear from, Sam. There isn’t much left of me, I’m the final voice of reason in your head. If you keep sucking down that poison I’ll be gone forever. So, the next thing that you do, is gonna decide. It’s gonna decide who you are and who you want to be, how you want to end this fight.”
Sam didn’t say anthing.
“I know you, you don’t want this for yourself” Jess said quietly.
“I never asked to be a hunter-” Sam almost yelled.
“That’s not what I mean, hunter or not, this reckless path you’re on is destroying all your goodness and even you can’t reason it out anymore. If you could, I wouldn’t be here. You know, deep inside, that I’m right. This is your chance to prove that you can beat it, you need to be stronger than that blood inside you. You need to turn around and get free from this curse right now.”
“If I go back, I won’t save anyone, just like I didn’t save you, like I couldn’t save Dean- I”
“I already told you, they would have gotten to me either way Sam, Dean too. They were determined to set you on this path when you were a
baby. Sure, now it has deviated, but Ruby is leading you to darkness all the same as the Yellow Eyed Demon did when he bled into your mouth. It may be a different destination now, but she has the same purpose. You’re fighting her battles for her, being her personal army, convincing yourself they’re your battles too. She’s leading you around by the nose and you just follow her without question.”
Jess crinkled up her nose like she used to when something didn’t make sense, “It’s not like you at all Sam, that’s why she started giving you the demon blood; to make you more compliant to what she wants. She did it to make you need her, poisoning you into believing her. You think it’s making you stronger, but it’s not, it is killing everything that doubts her, making you weaker, more reliable on a demon.”
“She has done more than enough to earn my trust since-”
“Don’t you see what she’s doing? I am here because a part of you knows that you still can’t trust her. Yes, she was there for you when Dean was gone, but that was all completely selfish of her. She doesn’t give a shit about you, doesn’t care about you, demons can’t, they don’t. So stop fooling yourself into thinking that this one’s different.”
He knew that he was losing himself, but he didn’t see another way to stop all this. The reasonable edge of doubt that Jess represented started to unfold and seep out into more and more of his brain.
“Just think about it, it’s not like you to just take her word, and not question it, to not do your own research. Do you remember in college? Professors used to cringe when they saw you on the attendance. They knew that they wouldn’t be able to make a point in peace, that you would always question everything. You never just take things for fact, and now you’ve just stopped questioning? You’re just going on- what? Faith? In her? You need to have faith in yourself. Find out what is really going on, and see it with your own eyes before taking her word as gospel.”
But this time it was bigger than ever, bigger than what he may turn into. He was prepared to lose that battle if he could win the war. “There’s no time for me to do research right now, it’s the apocalypse.”
“Yeah, it is.” She said, not even hesitating “Which means you have to get it right the first time. It isn’t just about you and your family anymore or your personal vendetta against a demon. This isn’t the time to go out on a limb and throw away everything that you’ve learned and everything you’ve worked for on a demon.”
Sam sighed, and that seemed to fuel whatever was happening inside his mind.
“Is this a big enough hint for you, Sam? That what she is doing to you, what you are letting her do to you isn’t okay?” She moved the rear view mirror so that he was looking directly back at himself when he glanced up. He looked like a junkie, there were no two ways about it, maybe Dean was right, as soon as that thought crossed his mind Jess spoke again as he turned the mirror away from his face.
“They locked you up, not to hurt you, but because you need to deal with this, with me, the part of you that knows this isn’t right. Just turn around and go back to them, please, for your own good before it’s too late and I’m gone.”
He turned to ask her how he was supposed to trust people that locked him in a panic room over someone, even though she was a demon, that supports his every move, but Jess was gone. A second later, a tiny voice in his head told him that maybe she was right, maybe Ruby was only supporting his every move because it was her agenda all along, her moves. Sam took his foot off the gas pedal.
The shrill ring of his phone exploded in his ear and he looked down at the caller ID and practically ripped it apart to answer the call.
“Ruby- I’ve gotta turn my phone off, I’ll call you when I get there” he didn’t wait for her response.
With a click he turned off his phone and slammed down on the gas pedal in Bobby's car. He could practically taste the blood.
Any and all criticism/comments are welcome :) Let me know what you think, I mean, I chose her for a reason, but if you think it isn't good let me know ;)